Commander White Nig

Commander White Nig is one of the manliest men to have ever manned. He is de_captain of en elite force of men and women tasked with protecting the Earth, known as the Dirt-Ball Defense Force.

God W. Dame himself appointed him to the position.

He currently is living in a shack in the woods hunting bears while unarmed. He calls this 'vacation.'

The OG Lore is listed below. It was recovered from a stone tablet dating back at least 20 seconds, and is considered one of the best sources of information on this living legend.

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COMMANDER WHITE NIG.

WHITEST FUCKER ON THE PLANET.

SPENT 500 YEARS STRAIGHT WRESTLING WHALES UNDER THE SEA BECAUSE HE LOST A BET WITH ZEUS.

THEN HE OUTLIVED ZEUS AND BECAME A ROMAN SENATOR

HE SETTLED DOWN AND HAD A FAMILY

BUT THE PEACE WAS NOT LONG AS HE OUTLIVED HIS FAMILY.

THEN HE INVENTED THE MUSKET TO SHOOT THINGS THAT BOTHERED HIM.

ONE DAY WHILE HE WAS NAPPING GENGHIS KAHN TRIED TO STEAL ONE OF HIS MUSKETS.

BUT HE WOKE UP AND A BRAWL ENSUED.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

BUT GENGHIS KAHN LEFT PREGNANT.

AND THATS WHY MORE THAN HALF THE WORLD'S POPULATION CAN TRACE THEIR GENES TO WHITE NIG.

HE HAS GONE TO SPACE. FIRST MAN ON THE MOON BY 1200 AD.

BECAUSE HE WAS BORED AND BUILT A LADDER OUT OF CORPSES.

HE STOLE EVERY DEAD BODY ON EARTH FOR 27 YEARS STRAIGHT TO DO IT.

HE NOTICED ONE DAY THO.

HIS URINE STREAM WAS RED.

AND IT HURT.

TO PEE.

HE THEN PROCEEDED TO PEE OUT BABY EMPEROR OF MANKIND.

HE KNEW JUST WHAT TO DO WITH IT.

HE DUG A 6 FOOT HOLE AND BURIED IT SO THE EMPEROR COULD GROW SAFELY

AND EMERGE WHEN HIS TIME WAS RIGHT

NOTABLE ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

HE ONCE SWAM ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN IN A STRAITJACKET DURING HURRICANE SEASON

HE ACCIDENTALLY KILLED SEVEN THOUSAND PEOPLE DURING A PARTICULARLY BLOODY BLACK FRIDAY, BECAUSE HE WAS TOO EXCITED ABOUT THOSE GOOD DEALS

DURING BLACK FRIDAYS HE IS KNOWN TO LITERALLY BREAK DOORS DOWN TO GET THE BEST DEALS, BUT IS A GENTLEMAN AND WAITS HIS TURN WHILE CHECKING OUT

SOMEONE ONCE TRIED TO ROB HIM AND WHITE NIG LOOKED AT HIM WITH SUCH DISGUST HE CRAPPED HIMSELF AND RAN AWAY, THEN COMMITTED SUICIDE